This exercise was originally written as a review for couples who had already practiced it in counseling. It may be useful on its own, but it is not a substitute for working through the process with a counselor.
Choose a manageable issue
Each partner chooses a different time to lead a “boardroom” conversation. Begin with an issue that matters but is not the most emotionally charged concern in the relationship. Starting smaller makes it easier to practice the structure without becoming discouraged.
The five steps
- The first person speaks for up to ten minutes.
- The second person listens closely.
- The second person speaks for up to ten minutes about the same issue.
- The first person listens closely.
- If the conversation begins to break down, take a planned break and return when both people can speak more constructively.
Guidance for the speaker
Explain how the issue affects you, what you would like to see happen, and why it matters. Avoid telling your partner what is wrong with them or trying to force agreement. Your task is to make your own perspective understandable while remaining interested in theirs.
Guidance for the listener
Listen to understand before judging or preparing a response. When your partner finishes, say:
“What I heard you say was…”
Then ask whether you understood correctly. Without that check, it is easy to hear what you would have meant rather than what your partner intended.
How to take a break
If either partner notices anxiety or anger building, say that you need a break and state when you will return to the conversation. Do not leave the timing open-ended. Naming a return time helps the pause feel like care for the conversation rather than abandonment.